Tag Archive for 'parenting'

a better deal

Published
by
iAN
on April 1, 2008
in general musings
. 2 Comments

Last night was pretty good.  I had determined to keep my anger in check and make it good.  While I often contend I don’t have any control over my anger, that’s just a cop-out and an easy way to stay grouchy and avoid doing anything.  In truth I’m really not that weak - at least I hope not.

bigR’s attitude wasn’t quite as bad as it has been lately, and I guess mine wasn’t either (coincidence or cause &  effect?).  I’d spent most of the weekend in an awful mood for no reason at all, and the whole family was more than a little annoyed with me.  Yesterday I was feeling pretty good, though.  Maybe it was the previous night’s maritals or perhaps the thinly-veiled compliments the urologist gave me earlier in the day that had me in a better mood - doesn’t much matter.

Outside play session ended smoothly as dinner time arrived.  (When I came home, bigR’s hair was in a “spike” that would be more appropriately described as a “pig tail”.  I love how macho, tough guy, check out my muscles he is while at the same time caring for his daffodils and playing with Barbie.  He’s so rad when he’s in a good mood.

Dinner was good, temporary tattoo was excellent, bath time was tolerable.  Sleepy Wife laid down with littleR (getting so big!) and bigR and I just kinda chilled out in the living room, coloring some animals in his new coloring book.

Once bed time came around, he went without a fuss.  His only complaint was mama and sister asleep in his bed.  Lucky him, he gets to sleep with daddy!  On a side note, littleR has definitely grown tired of her crib.  I think it’s time to disassemble the bunk bed and give her her own big girl bed :]

Ok, fast forward a few hours to this morning.

The alarm sounded promptly at 4 AM, and I awoke to find bigR all sprawled out on his back - on top of me.  I’m not sure how he managed it without me waking up, but he was full on using me as his bed.  It was so silly and I really really really didn’t want to get up.

I’m hoping I can maintain control of my emotions long enough to have two good days in a row - send me some positive energy!  Now!

the origin of anger

Published
by
iAN
on March 30, 2008
in general musings
. 2 Comments

I’ve commented before on the back and forth bigR and I often have. Our tempers feed off each other and we both get progressively shorter with each other. He gets over it in ten seconds, while it usually takes me a bit longer.

I got to wondering today if our relationship was remarkable. I thought about my relationship with my own father, years ago, and the bits and pieces I know of other people and their fathers. Ten times out of ten, people remember being afraid of their father growing up, or at least the thought of “what your father will do!” when he comes home.

So what?  Am I off the hook?  Is my temper a natural part of being a father, head-achy, tired and cranky?

Even as I write this with headphones on, grooving to Morphine, every sound I hear behind me, I look, hoping to see the little dude up from his nap so I can hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.

I think this is why I’d decided to stop writing like this - my head just spirals, my words lack cohesion, and it makes for a less than interesting read.  Then I just get frustrated that I can’t express myself.

trouble

Published
by
iAN
on January 7, 2008
in general musings
. 0 Comments

My temper has been out of control the last few days.  It takes absolutely nothing at all to set me off and put me in a horrible mood.  I have been so snappy with the kids and have just gotten downright mean.

I don’t know what is going on.

How do I fix it?

on children

Published
by
iAN
on December 30, 2007
in general musings
. 0 Comments

To anyone whose primary source of information about me and my life is this weblog, I must seem an awful tit. I’m constantly bitching about work, daydreaming into the future, and fretting over the behavior of my kids. Honestly this isn’t the whole story. True, I have found myself a much more temperamental person since returning from Iraq, and I frequently find plenty to [legitimately?] complain about, but that negativity does not own me.

And my kids are amazing.

Mr. R is just about the most creative and imaginative little dude I have ever known.  He is so smart, and picks up on everything.  He corrects himself when he knows he’s said or done something wrong, and makes an effort to teach his baby sister all the things he knows (when he’s not busy beating her, that is).  And he has the best taste in music of any three year old I know (They Might Be Giants, Sufjan Stevens, Rick Moranis …), and even knows most of the words!

Ms. R is absolutely beautiful.  She’s tough, spry, and so ready to walk!  Her record so far is four steps, and I think she only stopped because she got so excited she fell over!

Mr. E is on the honor roll for like the hundredth time in a row, and has been his little league team’s starting pitcher for a season and a half.  I burned him some CDs a few years ago, and he told me on Christmas that he’d found them in his closet, and had been listening to them for the last week or so.  Modest Mouse, the Shins, Morphine - he rivals Mr. R for best taste in music :]  He’s grown up so fast, and it saddens me to know it will still be some time before I see him again.  Maybe we’ll get lucky and get stationed on the east coast next tour so we can be closer to him.

There’s so much more to say about these kids and my wonderful wife, I just don’t often have the time.  I wake at 4 to be out the door by 4:30 to beat the traffic and be to work by 5:30 to stand around until 6:30 for PT formation, then return at 9:00 to “start” the work day.  By the time I head home, it doesn’t matter what time it is, I’m exhausted.  Humans are not supposed to wake up so early, period.

Nobody wants excuses, though, so I’ll just keep on doing what I can to write when I can.

quantity time

Published
by
iAN
on November 25, 2007
in general musings
. 0 Comments

I’ve never been a big believer in “quality time” being more important than quantity time.  There’s just no substitute for lots of time with your children.  While the last three days Tracy and River spent cooped up in hotel and hospital rooms certainly was sad for them, I must say Raden and I have bonded so well, just hangin’ out together.  It’s an awesome, awesome feeling, and we are really good together :]

 Obviously tons more to say, but the time is not yet.  More to come, eventually.

watching them grow

Published
by
iAN
on November 9, 2007
in general musings
. 2 Comments

Aside from tantruming and hysterical behavior, spending time with the kids has been awesome. It is amazing to be able to watch them grow, even in so short a time as I’ve been home. Raden has the most vivid imagination, and while he doesn’t always involve his little sister in his play time, he is often very good at “teaching” her things. And MAN how he learns! He sees and hears and remembers pretty much everything going on around him. It is imperative you watch what you say around Rad, because he will absolutely repeat it!

Not until very recently have I started feeling really parental. The more involved I get with the kids, the more I realize how little I’ve done in the past; how … disconnected I have been from the whole parenting experience. It is not my intention to outline my shortcomings or the troubles of my past. To do so would, no doubt, suck me down to a place I do not wish to visit. Rather, the more I think and talk and write about my present and my future with the kids, the easier it becomes to deal with, and beyond simply “dealing”, it becomes enjoyment.

And did I mention Rad loves the Rick Moranis album?

learning to correct

Published
by
iAN
on November 8, 2007
in general musings
. 0 Comments

Raden is a brilliant little man.  He’s eccentric, he’s loud, he’s funny, he’s creative, he’s a sweetheart, he’s a monster … he’s an awesome kid.  There is no doubt he is a handful.  When he’s in a mood, it takes superior levels of self-control and deep breathing to keep your cool.  (Tracy started me on the deep breathing, and it definitely works.)  It is all to easy, when your two year old yells at you, to yell back.  When he hits you, to smack him back.  When he flips out, you flip out.  It’s total stimulus-response behavior, and it affects me just as much as it affects him.

I’ve been very short-tempered since coming home from Iraq.  Nothing abusive, by any means, but I’ve found my boiling point to be very low, and my patience very thin.  I have been very stern in my discipline with Rad.  He smacks his sister, he gets a gruff talking to and a spanking.  He says “no” to Tracy or me, he gets another gruff talking to and a trip to his room until he can cool down enough to apologize.  I have no problem with this.

Today I tried something a little different.  The same discipline for the same offenses, but at a much lower volume, in a much calmer tone.  I made a very deliberate effort to control my own temper while dealing with his.  I allowed him a few seconds of his own little flip-out time, then sat with him until he could get passed his not-real-words routine and talk with me about what just happened.  I made sure all the important info was there - what he did, why that’s not correct, what to do instead next time, etc. - and we ended with an apology from Raden to me (or mama, or sister).

This may seem a bit touchy-feely for you hard-liners out there, but it worked.  It all but squashed the same behavior for much longer than with a typical disciplining.  Rather than there being thirty seconds between sister-smackings and “NO!” episodes, we managed to go a full five or even ten minutes.

Still no magic involved, but I like to think I’m getting better.

child magic

Published
by
iAN
on November 4, 2007
in general musings
. 5 Comments

I’ve been struggling for some time to figure out a better way to deal with Raden’s outbursts. I know he’s going through his terrible twos, but I’ve never allowed myself to just accept that and move on. I’ve convinced myself there’s a strategy, a guide, a key to unlock the good behavior and shut the bad out.

How naive.

As I scoured the web for yet another site listing all the winning ways to discipline your toddler, something hit me. They’re all the same. They all tell me to do the same thing. They’re the things I already do. So wait, what does this mean?

This means there is no key. No epiphany. No magic. If there truly were The Way to deal with toddlers, every parent on the planet would already know it. We would have been taught it by our parents. We would have heard it on commercials. We would have listened to Bob Barker teach us every weekday for the last 35 years. “Help control the pet population, have your pet spayed or neutered, and don’t forget to carry six pennies in your left sock and always keep a small clove of garlic in your pocket to bring out the good behavior in your toddlers.”

It’s not magic. It’s parenting. And it’s hard.